we made out on top of his cat.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
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I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
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Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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