I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize