when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
