summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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