first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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