i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
