screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
