I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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