Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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