Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
