So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
