just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
