Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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