those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
