I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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