"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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