Me. At least after what I've been through.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
