god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
