I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im holly from the hills drunk
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
