Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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