Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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