How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize