I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
