stop calling my apartment porn island.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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