She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
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he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
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Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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