I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
