how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
