All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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