Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
another moral hangover. fuck.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
