if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
