he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
