More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
