I didn't shave. On purpose
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I didn't notice because vodka
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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