No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
