So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
