So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
