saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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