I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
