Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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