Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize