If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
