I think I won the penis lottery.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
