The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
