Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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