so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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