You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
