I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
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Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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