So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
