: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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