I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I want to be your penis for a week.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
