I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
