I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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