Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
