Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If I die, sorry about rent.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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