I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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