The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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