Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
